LIFESTYLES

Portable oxygen, anyone?

Posted

When I first hit my 50s, the ads for AARP came my way. They touted all of the benefits, and offered a variety of free gifts: a handy dandy carry all that would fit all of my odd and ends, along with free games on their app to keep my mind stimulated. I did not want to accept the fact that my age qualified me to join, but my frugal side loves to accept whatever free gifts come my way.

The next commercials to come were those for walk in bathtubs. Yes, they did offer the convenience of stepping right in, but their limited size would not allow me to lie out straight, almost floating amongst the bubbles. Not THAT is a real bathtub experience.

I must be of the age of where falling is a real possibility. Poor granny at the bottom of the basement stairs, feebly moaning “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” It would be quite the fashion statement for me to wear a First Alert pendant with a matching outfit. I could even fall outside and it would work! That precludes, of course, the fact that I can scream very loudly and that someone lives in our basement apartment who would surely hear me. Besides, if it takes a while for someone to show up to help me, at least I would have a nice nap while I was waiting.

Gotta love the commercial for Merbetriq with the enlarged bladder pulling the elderly woman around to go to the bathroom all the time. Shopping? Have to go to the bathroom. Bowling? Have to go to the bathroom. Watching television? Have to go to the bathroom. Never has the issue been so cleverly portrayed. It almost makes me want to try it except for the fact my bladder is just fine and happy the way it is and requires no extra trips to the toilet.

The Cover Girl commercial for “women my age” cleverly illustrates a gorgeous elderly woman using the product. All of the make-up in the world could not make me look like her. Sorry, Cover Girl, that trick can’t work on me.

The commercial for an electric scooter is appealing, but not because I am elderly, because I am lazy. It would be great to zip around the neighborhood to the nearest store, kind of like a motorcycle for people with disabilities. Wheee! The wind flowing through my hair, the cars whizzing by, the dogs barking … what a joyful adventure!

There are the many commercials for life insurance, as though one reaches my age without thinking about the need for this; $500,000 of insurance for only $24 a month? I think not …

Today my Facebook page teased me with an advertisement for portable oxygen. Shaped like a purse, the oxygen is cleverly stored inside, ready to flow out whenever the need arises; except my oxygen flow is just fine, thank you.

The biggest lure of financial security lays within my own home. The commercials for Reverse Mortgages always have respected actors as their spokespersons. I have a warm spot in my heart for Tom Selleck (“Magnum P.I.”), Henry Winkler (“The Fonz”) and handsome Robert Wagner. They would never lie to me, would they? Of course, their words are true … I could live happily ever after using the equity in my home. The house could be completely rehabbed, Hubby and I could take romantic trips to Sandals, that cute little red convertible I have always wanted could be mine, and I wouldn’t have to fret about paying our monthly bills. The only problem would be that when we have finally run out of the money, we would have no home to live in and our five children would not have any inheritance. This is a scheme that sounds selfishly rewarding in the short run, but definitely does not work out in the long run should we live long enough.

I am NOT elderly. I am young at heart. My firm decision from now on is to ignore commercials aimed toward the elderly. Well, maybe I will watch the one about the motorized scooter, that one DOES appeal to me …

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